How to Choose a Sperm Donor from the Emotional/Psychological Perspective: A Guide for Single Women or Lesbian Couples

It's a biological fact that it takes two to make a baby and one of those individuals has to provide sperm- so for single women and lesbian couples, a sperm donor is a must.

The first decision to make is whether to use an anonymous or directed donor (a friend for example). So here are some pros and cons to make the decision a bit easier:

Pros of using a directed donor:

1. You actually know them! You know what they look like, their characteristics, their talents and passions, and who they really are
2. You and your child can maintain contact with them if that is what both parties agree to
3. You can immediately know if their medical or psychological status changes

Cons of using a directed donor:

1. Your donor may have parental rights depending on where you live and how a contract was written
2. Some donors change their minds about contact after their own life circumstances change, such as having a new partner, having their own children, experiencing infertility in their relationship, etc.
3. Their fertility has not been assessed- their fathering children in the past is not a guarantee of fertility now

Pros of using an anonymous donor:

1. Every donor has gone through a highly rigorous process of screening- genetic, fertility, medical and psychological (little known fact- the majority of prospective donors are rejected because of this screening)
2. You have legal protection of no legal parental rights on the part of the donor

Cons of using an anonymous donor:

1. Some donors may refuse contact with a child regardless of their initial willingness to have contact when the child turns 18
2. You won't have a personal connection with the donor and thus don't know them other than what you read from their profile

Do be aware that research shows that children of single and/or lesbian couples are significantly more likely to want to make contact with an anonymous donor when they turn 18 than children of heterosexual couples. So…

Do's-

• Choose a donor whose personality- hobbies, lifestyle habits, interests match who you are/who you are as a couple.
• If you are a couple, try to choose a donor most similar to the partner whose eggs are not being used- ie physical characteristics, educational background, talents, career field
• If you are a couple, make sure the non-genetic intended mom is comfortable with every step of the selection process and has an equal or larger role in the donor choice

Don'ts-

• Choose a donor whose characteristics seem appealing to you but are nothing like you and/or your partner. For example, if you/both of you are dedicated scientists and have no athletic background or ability, is it fair to choose a highly athletic donor when the resultant child may well feel that their abilities don't fit in with their family?
• For a couple, focus on the physical characteristics of the partner whose eggs are being utilized. Her genetics will already be present in her eggs, so the focus needs to be matching her partner.
• Choose a donor for characteristics which are incompatible with your family background, values, and traditions. Many individuals or couples choose a physically attractive donor and disregard other factors which can cause friction within their immediate and/or extended families.
• For couples, don't ignore the conflicted feelings this whole process can create for the partner who won't have a genetic connection with the child. She may express willingness and excitement but may worry she won't have enough of a connection with their child.
• Refuse to participate in any offered formal support and/or psychological counseling. Far better to express any concerns and hesitations with a professional who does this for a living than to ignore them and hope/assume they will simply go away.