How Do I Talk to My Child(ren) About the Fact That They Were Conceived With the Help of a Sperm Donor?

Times have changed over the past few decades. The first documented case of sperm donation was in 1884- shockingly a woman was inseminated by her doctor with the sperm of one of his medical students without her or her husband's consent, and it resulted in a pregnancy. For decades, sperm donation was shrouded in secrecy- the couple was strictly told never to tell anyone, especially the child. Much of the time they didn't even know who donated the sperm, the donor's medical and mental health history, or even what they looked like.

There are numerous books and articles written by individuals who only found out their donor-conceived status on the death bed of a parent or relative, or during a fight with a parent. This, as you can imagine, can cause a massive amount of confusion, anger, resentment and sadness. Many recipients of donor sperm, who only found out as adults, spend enormous amounts of time and energy trying to determine the circumstances of their conception, with some going so far as hiring professionals to try find the actual donor.

But times have changed. Individuals and couples now have the opportunity to carefully choose a donor, they can prioritize what is important to them regarding physical characteristics, family and personal medical and mental health history, talents, and passions.

What else has changed? A huge movement to raise your child(ren) knowing. There are lots of reasons:

1. Your child has the right to know their genetic background, including the donor's medical and mental health history
2. Family secrets can be toxic, with the donor conception being revealed during times of emotional distress
3. You don't want your child(ren) finding out on their own. A 5^th grader is literally able to do the testing themselves, and learning of one's conception in that manner could be catastrophic.

So how do you raise your donor conceived child in a healthy and honest manner?

1. The more comfortable the parent(s) are about the fact they used a sperm donor, the more comfortable your child(ren) will be. If you are feeling that this was/will be an amazing way to build your family, your child(ren) will grow up knowing that they are amazing, and were so wanted. And if you are not feeling that way, you should postpone treatment until you get to the place where you want your donor-conceived child. Consider seeking support from a therapist who specializes in counseling individuals and couples who are contemplating donor sperm but may be stuck.
2. Raise your child(ren) knowing with the other book you look at children's books which specialize in how to gracefully introduce the concept of donor sperm to a little mind. Start reading these with the other books you read to them. Make sure you always relate the books you are reading to your child(ren), "this is like you! You were so wanted by your mommy/mommies/daddy/daddies that we got help from a special donor!"
3. Build a "village" of individuals who are familiar with and comfortable with the fact that you utilized a donor. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child(ren)- your loved ones and friends can help support you as you have these conversations with your child, help field any questions from the child, or even help the child find additional resources they are looking for.
4. Seek out support groups near you or online. There are numerous support groups for donor-conceived individuals, their family and friends, parents of donor-conceived individuals, etc. DSR and We Are Donor Conceived are some of these organizations.
5. Acknowledge and validate your child(ren)'s emotions. They may have questions, or they may be upset. How can I look like my donor? Why don't I know my donor? Can I ever meet my donor? It is important to let your child(ren) know that you care about how they are feeling and that they can ask any question they want.
6. Seek professional support if needed. A family therapist who specializes in third-party reproduction can provide guidance tailored to your unique situation.